Cirque du Dinah

six weeks

it's hard to believe.  

time is a funny creature.

change is everywhere and in everything. 

(she's a persistent beast)

i struggle to keep up with all these changes.

sometimes i look at my little ones and it's hard to breathe;  just thinking of how fast it happens.

is happening.

right before my eyes.

a story for Remy Benjamin

for the third time in under four years i sit down and attempt to form into words the intensely emotional, physical and spiritual experience of birthing a child. 

i always tell myself right after giving birth that i'll write the story down within a day or two, while it's fresh in my mind, but then the reality of life with a newborn and two toddlers sets in and the weighty task of perfectly illustrating the thing sets it back a week, and then two.

we're now past the three week mark and i'm unsure how long i'll be able to use "too little sleep" and "not enough hours in the day" as valid excuses for not getting this thing written.  i'm a mom; there won't be sufficient time or sleep for a good while yet.  

this story's likely to get a bit lengthy (as they tend to do) but i am reluctant to leave out important (to me) details, so get comfy in that chair, friend.
 

one-week-old Remy

first things first then: Remy was born at home.  

home-birth means different things to different people.  for some it sounds uncomfortable or dangerous or irresponsible.  over the years my own opinion of it has changed from something (very few) "other people" did to something i saw myself doing.

after finding and meeting with my midwife, i quickly realized that home-birth is a lot more than a birthing location.  following are a few things that made the home-birth experience really awesome for me and my family.

• all prenatal visits were done at my house.  that's 15 appointments (including one interview and two postnatal) where my midwife, usually accompanied by her apprentice, came to my home and sat and chatted with me on my ugly green couch!  15 times i peed in a cup in my own bathroom.  15 times i didn't have to worry about dragging two toddlers to a doctor's office, or about Maisie missing her nap; she often napped while Robin was over and missed the whole thing entirely.
• since i had only one caregiver i got to know her really well.  many of our appointments went over an hour and some lasted two.  Ben and the girls also became close to her and Dinah started looking forward to the days Robin would come and "listen to the baby's heart".
• i received excellent care.  of all three of my children i feel like i got the best prenatal care with Remy.  Robin is nothing if not thorough.  she always came prepared with all her instruments and appropriate paperwork.  she gave us all the options for tests that we would have gotten in a hospital.  and she followed up on the results.  for example, with every pregnancy i've had mild to moderate anemia.  in the past midwives have recommended a good iron supplement which i sometimes took.  (i shamefully concede to being utterly inconsistent when it comes to taking prenatal vitamins).  but when i tested anemic early on in this pregnancy, not only did Robin recommend i take a supplement, she told me she'd be taking my blood again in a month or so to check my progress.  you can bet that motivated me to take the stuff.  she drew blood three times in all and the anemia was under control mid-way through the pregnancy. 
• i got to choose who would attend the birth. it was really awesome knowing that Robin would for sure be at the birth.  i also had my parents there and a doula and a photographer.  it got to be a pretty full house but we had room for them all and every one in attendance was really excited to be there.  of course, you can have all this at a hospital in many cases, but there are also a lot of strangers waiting on you in a hospital that you may or may not jive with.  i just feel lucky that i was able to choose my birth team.
• it was our most inexpensive birth.  as with everything else, Robin was dedicated to getting us the best care.  that included helping us insure good insurance coverage for the birth (see what i did there).  we were lucky enough to have a company who covered all but the deductible, so it turned out to be our cheapest birth yet.  which was awesome.

the big birth day

three-week-old Remy taking a bath with mom

the week before Remy was due my parents flew in from Utah.  they stayed two weeks and it was lovely having their help with the girls (and the dishes and dinners).  they arrived on Monday.  Remy was due the following Sunday.  on Thursday Robin came over for the 40 week visit.  she asked if i wanted her to check my progression/dilation.  i declined as i didn't want to psych myself out if i was dilated a few centimeters or be disappointed if i wasn't.  she made sure to schedule another appointment for the next Thursday because she said if we didn't it would jinx things and the baby would be sure to wait longer to come.

the following night (Friday) i started having some pretty steady contractions during dinner, around 6 o'clock.  we put the girls down about 7.  i think it was 8 when i called Robin to let her know the contractions were consistent and getting stronger.  she wanted me to time them for the next 30 mins or so and give her a call back.  Ben and i took a good log of them as we walked around the house getting things ready for the birth.  the contractions did not stop but were inconsistent like they were for so long when i was laboring with Maisie; sometimes 3 or 5 minutes apart, other times 10 minutes apart, especially when i sat down.

when i didn't call Robin back after about an hour she called me.  i think it was around 10pm.  i told her that labor still seemed like it was progressing but the contractions weren't consistent and i didn't want her to come all the way out to my house if it was just false labor.  she said she wanted to come out and take a look anyway.

the girls playing in the unfilled birth pool a couple weeks before the birth

Ben went about setting up the birthing pool she had left with us a few weeks before.  and i called my friend Natasha who i had asked to come take pictures of the birth.  i told her Robin was coming to check my progression and i'd call her back.  i asked her to call our friend Monica who is a doula to give her an update.

dad and mom filling up the pool

Robin arrived around 10:30 or 11.  she checked me and said i was dilated 4 or 5 centimeters.  she decided i was in labor and started setting up her stuff.  she also told me she would be calling Janet, a fellow midwife and colleague of hers who happened to live just down the road from us.

after a little while i decided i wanted to get into the pool.  i've always really loved laboring in water.  i just love being in water in general.  since we have a big garden tub in the master bathroom the girls take their baths in there and i usually hop right in with them.  right up until the birth i was still joining them in the bath.

with Dinah i labored in the water up until i needed to get out to push (hospital rule).  Maisie's was a planned water birth.  but the back labor (posterior baby) wasn't planned and though she was born in the water i wished i had been in a better position for those tough contractions at the end.
 

my sweet mom

so this time, all i knew was that i didn't know what to expect.  since laboring in the water requires being off your feet, the contractions seemed to slow down while in the pool.  and i was feeling quite a bit of pressure to get things moving, both physically and emotionally.  i opted to get out of the pool and move about some more.

Ben putting pressure on my back through a contraction

while i was still in the pool my friends Natasha and Monica arrived.  this was at about 12:30am.  part of the reason i was feeling emotional pressure was because i'd never been in labor in the middle of the night before and i was feeling guilty keeping everyone up with me.  specifically i didn't want to keep Monica up all night as i knew the next day was a big one for her; she and her husband were being sealed in the temple to each other and their sweet children.  personally i had hoped to delay labor until after the sealing as i'd planned on being there myself.  but as these things go, God had other plans.

trying out the birthing stool Robin brought

i tried to really focus in and listen to my body and baby and do what felt right.  Ben helped me out in different positions.  as with Maisie i felt quite a bit of back labor and A LOT of pressure.  this was thanks to the bag of waters still being intact and "bulging" as gravity and the baby's head put more and more pressure on it.  Robin continued to listen to baby and allow things to progress as nature needed.

i had initially hoped she would break the water earlier on but she wanted to wait for Remy to move down a bit more.  and i trusted her judgement and tried to be more patient.

Monica was so gracious and calm the whole time and reassured me that she was okay with the timing and wanted to be there.  Natasha had brought some essential oils and she and Monica rubbed my feet with lavender oil during transition.  it was wonderful.  i needed them there, both of them.

Monica taking a turn comforting me during transition

even though it seemed like things weren't progressing quickly (enough for me) they were moving along sure enough.  time at this point in the story is a big blur (i wasn't exactly paying strict attention to that particular detail).  but somewhere along the line we made it to the transition phase which is well known for giving one the shakes and causing women to scream for an epidural.

i managed to survive it with Ben there holding my hand and instead of screaming for pain relief i demanded cool washcloths for my forehead.  i did get the shakes though; between contractions, strangely enough.  shook like a reed in the wind.  then came a contraction and i was still as a stone.  it was weird.

somehow i ended up in this hideous orange chair we got for $10 at an estate sale last summer.  i don't actually like the chair much but i wasn't moving.  i needed to be able to completely relax (or attempt to) and go inside myself using the relaxation/imaging techniques that have helped me through each of the kid's births.

i insisted Ben count during the contractions.  i wasn't interested in how long they were i just needed to hear his voice.  initially i asked him to talk to me but if you know Ben you know that's asking a lot.  and i didn't have the patience to wait for him to think of something to say.  so i asked him to count.  and it helped.

Ben is an incredible labor companion.  with each child i'm newly amazed at his ability to stay calm and, more importantly keep me calm and focused.  this is perhaps the greatest gift i received on Remy's birth day: a husband who held it together when i was falling apart.

you think after two natural births that you've got it together.  man, if you think you've got it together a good natural birth will put you in your place!  and this was a good old fashioned natural birth.

i neglected to mention a really crucial piece to this story.  when i was in the early stages of labor and before anyone had arrived i was asked if i wanted a priesthood blessing.  both my dad and my husband were able and ready.  i had actually really looked forward to my dad being there to give me a father's blessing as he has done so many times during my life.  but when the question of who was to give the blessing was asked it was very clear it needed to be Ben.

he gave me a wonderful blessing promising no serious complications in labor and that the baby would come when it was right for him to.  it was inspired.  it was reassuring to both me and my mom at the time and especially during labor.

and there weren't any serious complications, just a few hiccups.  (Remy likes to keep it real.) 

Ben supporting me while on the birthing stool

at some point i was coaxed off the ugly orange chair and onto the birthing stool.  actually, even though i didn't want to move, i chose to sit on it as i knew it would help the delivery.  i sort of always knew Remy would be born this way somehow.

after transitioning for what seemed like quite a long time, Robin checked me again and confirmed that the bag of waters was bulging a lot now.  i was dilated to about 8cm.  she went ahead and broke the bag with her hand.  it was a huge rush of relief.  but she was quietly and urgently saying something to her assistant, Janet.  there was meconium in the water.

Remy was still unborn and i hadn't yet reached the pushing stage or felt a desire to push.  Janet and Robin were wonderful and reassuring.  they continued to check Remy for any sign of distress and he was still doing well.  

i was anxious that i hadn't had the desire to push yet and the contractions had let up some after the initial pressure release from the water breaking.  this is when i relied upon the strength of my husband and others and the comfort from the blessing Ben had given me.

it wasn't long though (a few minutes probably) before things rapidly changed and that familiar pushing urge did indeed come.  it was very similar to what happened with Maisie where i couldn't really stop the baby from coming (keep from pushing).  so i pushed.  and Robin urged me with her "slowly, slowly" and i thought to myself "how do i do this slowly?"  but i tried.

it felt like one long push... and he was born.  3:55 in the am.  he was born!
 

i am so grateful to Natasha for taking so many wonderful photos for us.  i had hoped Remy would come during daylight hours but it's just one of those things you can't plan and you just need to learn to roll with it. 

that's kind of it, really, as i've thought back on the birth these last few weeks, it always comes back to the letting go.  embracing the unknown.  allowing it to wash over you in great waves.

that was something i remember from a few years ago when we took the HypnoBirthing class in preparation for Dinah's birth: the image of the waves rolling in; the tide crashing on a sandy shore.  and i imagined myself lying there unmoving; greeting the water as it baptized me again and again.  that's just what it's like, birth: baptism.

every single time.