the lost baedeker

topless and cheeky

2012-01-07T00:00:00.009-07:00

i know

it's true

i don't get out enough.

surely if i tried i could come up with something other than a chubby baby to blog about.

but for some reason i'm lacking the required motivation.

so here i go

yet again.

she's happy

2012-01-03T23:26:00.001-07:00

one of Dinah's favorite statements lately is: "she's happy!" often followed by: "she's sad."
when asking who is happy or sad one is most likely to hear this matter-of-fact response: "she."

it snowed love

2011-12-13T13:53:00.005-07:00

you know...

the kind that provides breathtakingly large flakes for breakfast viewing,

but is quite totally burned off by a brilliant sun by noon.

my kind of snow.

decking

2011-12-05T21:35:00.019-07:00

we inherited some fabulous vintage Christmas decor from grandma Flo a few years back.
lots of shaggy gold tinsel (which i decided to use in place of a tree skirt rather than on the tree itself), a matching tinsel-trimmed light-up tree-topper, tons of old lights and plenty of antique glass balls.

needless to say i was pretty stoked to decorate this year.

also had to include my sweet little perching birds from early on in our marriage.

birds'-eye view

humming silhouette

scrawny but well-loved tree

infant slumbering in the background.

puke-green sofa and a baby

2011-12-01T18:47:00.008-07:00

2011-11-07T21:00:00.006-07:00

i shot this while taking out the trash yesterday.
there won't be many more opportunities for such moments.
seems to have been snowing in the mountains pretty constantly for the last week or so.
we're hunkering down over here.

been making a heartier effort at cheerfulness
(the fact that i use that word despite my dislike for it is proof of my progress).
attempting to keep my spirits up despite the earlier sunsets,
and grumpy, time-confused children.

a friend of mine says that the mother/wife is the one who controls the mood or tone of the home.
this has proven to be true for me.
not only does my mood affect the mood of others,
but my attitude can also affect my own experience.

every day presents opportunities to exercise the ability to choose how to react in different situations.
and no one loses when mom chooses to be happy.

it's a powerful thing knowing the impact i can have,
and ofttimes a harrowing one.

* * * * *

thanks for your comments regarding my last post. i certainly appreciate them.

sidewalk leaves after the storm

2011-11-04T20:01:00.001-06:00

lately, while lying awake in bed at night after another whirlwind day of playing mommy and house wife, i get this ridiculous idea that i ought to start a journal. and sometimes i actually resolve to do it. but, of course, that's just the wishful thinking, restful, dream-ready brain's resolve. and i assure you, come morning even if that now groggy brain is still imagining great journal keeping achievements, by the end of the day those thoughts have been swept away by the whirlwind again. it really is a pipe-dream to think i would ever find the consistency to keep it up for more than a day or two. also, i'm a terrible perfectionist when it comes to writing. all kinds. letters, thank you cards, blog posts and you guessed it, personal journal entries. so, basically nothing ever gets written. it's awesome.

there's a point to this.

last night that dreamed-filled brain of mine was waxing creative again and strove hard to convince me that something must be done about this whole lack of writing business. the silence must be stopped. and the sleeper awakened. so we made a deal. i would commit to blog more (as opposed to journaling) in an attempt to record these moments swiftly passing into days and weeks.

also.

for months now (okay, years) i've fancied the idea of starting an online poetry journal for women. that's right, i said poetry. and yes, it's essentially a blog. for chicks. of course, in my fancy it's much more than those things. i got a url for it and messed around with the formatting; event told a few poetry loving friends about it. but there it sits in it's virtual loneliness. collecting internet dust. because i'm too chicken to follow through with it.

incidentally if you are reading this and happen to think a poetry blog for ladies by ladies isn't a disastrously stupid idea i wouldn't mind you saying so. maybe all i need is a few nods of approval.

baby & big sis

2011-11-02T13:36:00.005-06:00

recently

2011-10-22T19:56:00.010-06:00

blessed

2011-10-03T21:58:00.014-06:00

Ben blessed Maisie on Sunday.

And Maisie blessed all of us.

Life being hard, sometimes I get stuck on that one tiny aspect of it: the hard aspect. A negative kind of stuck.
And then I look at their faces and pause and REMEMBER. Hard doesn't have to be negative. It doesn't have to suck and I don't have to feel stuck.
This weekend gave me a few more strong remembrance nudges. Reminders that where I am, what I'm experiencing right now on this path is where I need to be. Reminders to savor these moments. To relish every bit of life, hard and not so hard.
Not only because the moments are fleeting
but because they are for me.

2011-09-26T20:00:00.000-06:00

we're nearly six weeks old over here.

and getting to know one another.

one month

2011-09-19T07:00:00.000-06:00

ONE MONTH gone already. Seemed to fly by much faster than the ones preceding it.

Yawn turned cry.

We're firm believers in the kitchen sink as ideal for bathing infants.

She seems to like it.

2011-09-15T14:46:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I half-bragged to a friend over the telephone about how well I was adjusting to having two little people around. Today I found myself in overwhelmed tears wondering how on earth I was ever going to do this motherhood thing. Yesterday my friend and I discussed our busy lives, hers as a working student with a working student for a husband and mine as a stay-at-home mom. She said she finds comfort knowing they'll be done with this hectic schedule in two years. I said I feel the same about my two year old. That was yesterday. Today it occurred to me that in two years I'll have another two year old.

the after womb

2011-09-13T20:00:00.003-06:00

THE FIRST 3 MONTHS OF LIFE are sometimes referred to as the 4th trimester. I'd read a bit about this when Dinah was born. She was a gem the first 2 weeks but then she started to wake up to the world around her. She got fussier in the evenings and needed to be soothed to sleep. I remember many of those early nights being up with her till midnight or later trying to get her down for the night. We did a lot of rocking and walking and singing and more walking. It wasn't so bad. She really was quite an easy baby. I learned that all babies go through this stage during those first few months. But this time around I'm realizing that it could have been easier.

My dear friend Xela made this wrap for Maisie and I just love it! I hesitated using one before because it seemed so complicated. Before Maisie arrived I told Xela if she showed me how to wrap one I'd try it out. Of course, she went one better and made this for me and then showed me how to wrap it.
At this point it probably goes without saying how much this whole wrapping thing has helped in the soothing business. But let me just say whenever Maisie is having a hard time settling down to sleep I just strap her on and she is almost always out like a light. So I've got a happy, sleeping baby and hands free to get the dishes or whatever else done (like tend to a rambunctious toddler).

Count me a convert to the concept of the after womb.

Granny Smith

2011-09-06T17:17:00.013-06:00

Dinah embraced her inner artist in a big way this summer. We are frequently stumbling upon new crayola creations (thankfully none on any walls yet). And that impulse buy of a large amount of Play-Doh on sale months ago was perhaps my wisest impulse buy ever! We're talking hours of entertainment.

We bought a couple of these dressers for Dinah a few years back and I always thought I might paint them.
Dinah's recent creativity prompted me to finally do it.

Hope I won't regret going with "Granny Smith" green.
We needed some more color 'round here.

Made this wee scalloped garland a while back meaning to list it in the shop
but it may end up in the girls' room one of these days instead.

Maisie Sue's Story - Part Three: Birth Day

2011-09-05T15:00:00.013-06:00

A note on birth: Although I sort of acknowledged it before, Maisie's birth taught me even more just how individual each birth experience is; just as unique as the new person it brings. It is one family's personal story. And every story, every birth is a miraculous one.

This is Maisie's story. I preempted it with a few other posts that lead into this one, in order to keep it a bit shorter. They contribute to the understanding of the whole story, but all of this record is mostly for the benefit of me and my posterity.

WEDNESDAY MORNING (August 17, 2011) contractions woke me at about 4:30. I stayed in bed, patiently waiting to see if they would remain consistent. They didn't seem to be stopping and were happening about every 10 minutes or so. When I got up and walked around they stayed pretty constant. This was promising. Ben started timing them for me and they seemed close enough and strong enough for us to call the midwife and head over to the birth center, BellaNatal.

The midwife on call for the week, Jeanetta, had been up all night at a birth in Salt Lake and was just getting home at about 8am. She said we needed to call and meet up with Trinette who was her back-up. We left Dinah with grandma and grandpa and left for the birth center at about 9am as they were opening up for the day. Trinette did a cervical exam and said I was dilated to 5 cm and she could easily stretch me to 6. Good news. She asked if I'd eaten and how much sleep I'd had and though she was impressed by my having had a big breakfast of cereal, a banana and peanut butter toast, she said she thought I should go home and try to rest until my contractions got stronger (they seemed to be slowing down). We agreed that would be a good idea. And I still wanted to try to get my prenatal massage if there was any way I could.

As it happened, shortly after we got home the massage therapist, Kim, called to confirm our appointment for 1:00. I told her I was in labor but it was manageable, resting labor and I still wanted to have the massage. I think she had another client at 11:00 but said she would call and check up on my status after that and she was willing to meet me at the birth center or come to my house if I needed her to. I managed to get in one or two 20 minute naps that morning as the contractions seemed to slow some when my body was horizontal.

When 1:00 rolled around I was feeling up to just going to Kim's house (which was in Provo) so Ben dropped me off and took Dinah to the park while I got an hour long massage. It was such a relaxing experience! Just heavenly. Highly recommend one (or more) to any pregnant mama especially if you are close to or past your due date. Also, she did some acupressure on my feet that literally caused the strongest contraction I had while there. I told her and she said those were the points corresponding with the ovaries and uterus. I'll say they were! So cool.

After the massage we came home and I tried resting some more but sleep proved futile. Whenever my contractions slowed all I needed to get them moving was to stand up (or sit up...or move) and they'd start up again immediately. But it didn't feel great so I wasn't too keen on walking around. I wanted to go back to the birth center but Ben wasn't convinced my contractions were close enough together. So I made him time them. This was around 5:00. He was taking a good log and though they weren't consistent (sometimes 3 minutes apart, other times 5 or 7) he agreed to go back to BellaNatal. I was anxious to go before Dinah woke from her nap, so we left the monitor with my mom and dad, grabbed our stuff and headed over there.

When we got there we were able to meet with Suzanne, the head midwife, as she had been there conducting prenatal/postnatal appointments. By this time it was about 6:00. She did a cervical exam and told me I was 7 cm dilated. She also confirmed what I had suspected; that the bag of waters was sort of bulging which was causing all that pressure when I sat or stood up. I told Suzanne that my water breaking during slow labor with Dinah is what finally kicked it into gear and really got the labor moving. She said it sounded like having Jeanetta break it for me might be a good idea given my history. I love Suzanne because, like many midwives, she gives wise and experienced advice but allows her clients to ultimately make these kinds of decisions for themselves. It's an empowering thing to feel like you have a say in your birthing experience.

We called Jeanetta and told her the situation and she wondered if I wasn't too tired and thought maybe I could take Tylenol PM and sleep the night and come back in the morning. When I think back on it I realize how bad of an idea that was! I thought so at the time too, but felt guilty inconveniencing her as I knew she'd have to drive down from Salt Lake in rush hour traffic. I told her I'd rather her come tonight (I think she must have thought she'd be up all night again). So she suggested we go and get something to eat and meet her back there at 7:00 since it would take her that long to drive down.

Before we left, Suzanne (who was also leaving for the evening) gave me some homeopathics to put under my tongue to help labor along. We decided to go eat at the Cafe at the Good Earth down the street. I didn't want to leave since walking and getting in and out of cars was pretty uncomfortable at this point but went anyway. As soon as I got up out of the car a contraction started and I hobbled across the parking lot into the store and immediately leaned over the nearest grocery cart, breathing heavily, probably moaning and ordering Ben to put pressure on my back and hips. What a sight we must have been.

Ben ordered a salad and a cup of fruit for me but I didn't have much of an appetite. Plus I was wary of throwing up as I had done on one unlucky nurse who was checking us into the hospital when Dinah was born. I told Ben if I did feel like throwing up I would try to do it on Jeanetta since she was the one making us eat and wait. While we were eating the contractions had become consistently 3 minutes apart or less. I decided to blame it on Suzanne's homeopathic sugar pills. I found myself moaning through some of them (though I did try to tone it down so as not to freak out the other cafe patrons) and thinking, "I don't remember doing this with Dinah".

We were done eating and back at the birth center by 6:30 so we waited in the car. The contractions continued increasing in strength and I was getting a little paranoid being in the car and not in a tub like I'd planned. At about 6:55 I convinced Ben to check if the doors to the building were open. They were and I gratefully hobbled in and sat down on a couch just as Jeanetta arrived. She checked my cervix and said it was at about 7 cm still. I laid down on the bed as she broke my water. It was such a relief to sit up and not feel that pressure for the first time since labor started! By this time I think it was about 7:30.

I asked them to start a bath and was soon enjoying the familiar weightlessness of water. Such a fabulous feeling for a laboring woman! I immersed myself in the water and tried to relax the way I had been able to do during Dinah's birth. But I was realizing more and more that this was not Dinah's birth and I couldn't make it be. This was Maisie's birth and she had her own story.

When Jeanetta had checked me before she broke my water she said the baby's head felt posterior. Her body was anterior but her head was turned in an odd way. Interestingly enough, I had read and heard quite a few stories about unmedicated posterior births recently and they were not exactly positive and uplifting. The back pain resulting in a posterior baby was often described as excruciating. This did explain why I had felt the contractions in my back significantly more than I did with Dinah. I also felt quite a bit of pain in my thighs.

So, as it happened, shortly after entering the tub and greeting the comfort of the swirling water I experienced some extremely sharp contractions in my back. They only lasted a minute or so and I got a few minutes break in between. But it would be dishonest if I were to say they didn't feel excruciatingly painful. And I was having a heck of a time trying to stay on top of the pain. Trying to control my breathing and relax my muscles seemed almost impossible.

At this point my mom had (finally) arrived and my sister, Sarah, who was my doula was just making her way back from Payson, in traffic. I was pretty upset that it took them so long to come. But it was sort of a boy-who-cried-wolf situation since I'd been 'in labor' all day and pregnant for what seemed like a millennium; I don't know that anyone (except maybe Ben and I) knew just how close we were to having this baby.

After about half a dozen or so of those really tough contractions I told Ben to ask the midwife and her assistant to come in the room and check my dilation. At this point I had broken many of my own personal unspoken rules. I'd been sent home for not being advanced enough (almost twice in one day). I'd asked for a cervical exam in an attempt to determine just how long I was going to have to do this. And in the last 30 minutes I'd said things like: "I hate this!" and "I can't do this!" and "I see why people get an epidural". I also told Ben more than once that I loved him (something I'd read about women doing a lot) though that wasn't something I felt ashamed of. It was all the other stuff. I mean, second births were supposed to be easier. They were supposed to be shorter. What the heck was going on here?!

Anyway, so Jeanetta did come in the room and check me and she said I was still at about 7 cm. This is exactly why they tell you not to get checked often: the risk of serious disappointment if you're not progressing as fast as you'd like to be. And I was mad.

The thing was, pretty much as soon as Jeanetta left the room again, I felt like pushing (yet another thing that was different from Dinah's birth). With Dinah I had done about thirty minutes of what HypnoBirthing calls 'breathing the baby down and out' and there she was. I don't remember really having an urge to push. Not so this time. It felt like something had literally possessed my being and was forcing this baby out. So, I told Ben I felt like pushing. And he (wonderful husband that he is) took me seriously and immediately relayed this information to those talking just outside the door (the midwives, my mom and sister). It kind of started to feel like Ben and I were going to have this baby without any witnesses. I can only assume that they really didn't know how close I was. Which made sense when I later read that they had marked my pushing time down as 2.5 minutes.

So Ben says, "she says she feels like she needs to push" and miraculously people start materializing. I'm pushing (or rather, the being that has taken control of my body is pushing) and I hear Sarah saying "don't push" and "just breathe"! Ha! And I'm asking if the baby's head has crowned yet and they're saying "no" and then they're saying "yes". And I reach down and feel her little head and a moment later she's there and floating up to me! And I'm terribly relieved and a little worried that I'd torn a lot. But there she was! Finally in my arms.

It was about 8:20pm. We'd been at the birth center less than an hour and a half. Fortunately I didn't tear. Jeanetta said I had a scratch: no stitches required.

Maisie latched on immediately and nurses beautifully.
Disclaimer: I wasn't aware Ben was taking these photos. I had wanted him to take some during labor but he was my main support person right up until the end which was much more important to me. So this is what you get.

Ben cutting the cord (his locks are kind of in the way).

Grandma and dad giving Maisie her first bath.

Maisie Sue's Story - Part Two: Waiting Game

2011-08-31T16:50:00.003-06:00

The morning of Maisie's official due date I had my 40 week appointment. I was feeling optimistic and positive and, Jeanetta, the midwife I met with, told me more than once how great I looked (she knows what a 40 week pregnant gal wants to hear). When I set up another appointment for the following Monday (6 days later) I consoled myself with thoughts that the baby would be here before that day arrived. I stayed positive up until Sunday night, when that 41 week visit became imminent and Dinah had just had a huge breakdown at church that made my patient resolve seem all the more difficult to maintain. This pregnancy had been harder on her than it had been on me.

So I put on my happy face and went to my 41 week appointment on Monday morning (August 15^th). I met with another midwife, Trinette, who I hadn't seen in quite some time but who would be backup to Jeanetta during the week if Jeanetta was attending another birth when I went into labor. So it was good to get to know Trinette a bit more. I had some questions for her about induction since the birthing center didn't use Pitocin except in cases of serious bleeding after birth to get the uterus to contract. Therefore, if a woman needed to be induced and other methods weren't working, she'd be transferred to the hospital for Pitocin induction. (This complicated things since we'd already paid outright for a birth center birth and would have a separate bill to pay if the baby was born at the hospital. Not to mention a hospital birth wasn't what we'd wanted.) Trinette told me that the common method of induction they used was membrane stripping and a thing called a foley catheter, which I'd not heard of before but was willing to try. She also had me do a non-stress test which monitors the response of baby's heart rate to it's movement (when baby moves the heart rate should go up slightly if all is well). The results were good. We decided to set up an appointment to try induction on Thursday morning if the baby didn't come by then.

Later that evening I was having second thoughts about induction so soon but needed some reassurance. I googled: '42 weeks pregnant' and found some encouraging articles about waiting for your baby to come when she's ready and the lack of necessity to induce before 42 weeks if there is no medical reason to do so. I knew I had no medical reason and I'd just been reassured that baby was indeed doing fine. So ultimately I decided I would keep my Thursday appointment and take another non-stress test if they wanted to but not try induction until the following week. I also read that only 2-3% of women make it past 42 weeks without going into labor, so my odds of not needing induction at all were pretty good.

The week before I'd told Ben that if we didn't have a baby by that weekend I wanted to get a prenatal massage; partly because I had heard other women say nothing but good things about them and also as a means to try to stimulate labor. I called and made an appointment for Wednesday.

Tuesday evening we had to drive up to SLC to sign the papers to close on our Herriman house (we sold it). It was a huge relief to have it done and over with since Ben said the baby was waiting for our house sale to be finalized before she came. Tuesday night I decided to go for a swim at our neighborhood pool and left Ben home with Dinah. It was late and I was the only one there. It felt so wonderful to be in the water; totally weightless. I've always loved water. I felt a great sense of peace about the birth and waiting for the baby to come when she was ready. I thought "this is the cure for the late baby blues: treating yourself to things you love; savoring the good things in life".

After the swim I took a hot bath and then my dad and Ben gave me a blessing. I finally felt truly calm and knew I was ready to have this baby whenever she decided to join us.

Maisie Sue's Story - Part One: Another Birth

2011-08-31T16:43:00.005-06:00

The more I think about Maisie's birth and the events leading up to it, the more I realize it needs to be written in parts. There is quite a bit of detail that is important for me to remember. With Dinah's birth story I kind of skimped because I didn't want to bore my audience. I still remember some of the things I left out, but will likely forget a lot that I didn't record.

Maisie's birth started with another birth, around this time last year. I'd been pregnant for 11 weeks and discovered after no fetal heart beat at 10 weeks followed by a few days of bleeding that this pregnancy was about to end. I'd suspected it. I was sick early on but it didn't last long and gradually I noticed that, although I was feeling tired it was not the same as before. My family suggested it might be a boy but I had a hunch something was wrong.

The miscarriage was like a birth in many ways. I was expecting it and when labor started I knew what it was. After about 4 days of bleeding but without any other cramping or discomfort the contractions started at around 7AM on a Monday morning. It was Labor Day (Sept, 6^th 2010) so Ben was home form work with me. They came in waves but were not too strong and we went about the morning grocery shopping with Dinah and got some Thai take out for lunch. I had Papaya Salad (one of my favorites). At about noon, while we were eating and Dinah was napping, I noticed the contractions getting stronger. I felt something gush (similar to my water breaking when I was pregnant with Dinah) and went to sit on the toilet. I told Ben to get me a bowl because I felt like throwing up but I yelled at him not to show it to me, I really didn't want to lose the lunch I was still in the middle of enjoying. I put my head between my knees and concentrated on my breathing. I felt like I had passed two clots and since I was pretty sick and out of it I didn't try to look at them before flushing the toilet afterward. Ben commented on how much blood there was. I was grateful that we'd been home when it happened but felt pretty empty. Not just because I'd gone through a mini-labor without a baby to show for it, but because it was a like a birth but not unacknowledged as one. I mourned the loss, of course, but felt like I'd been somewhat prepared for it.

Two months later, in early November I got pregnant again. I was ready but didn't realize I was in for what would feel like the longest pregnancy of my life! It was difficult acknowledging I was pregnant after such a recent loss. I knew I was but never felt like taking a pregnancy test. It was hard to tell people because I had already told them I was before and hadn't announced the miscarriage to most anyone other than family. So any time I told some one I had to preempt it with “I was pregnant before and I miscarried and now I'm pregnant again”. Weird. So I usually didn't talk about it.

When I went in for the ten week check up with Maisie, there was no heartbeat again. The midwives had told me this happened half the time anyway but it was a hard déjà vu. I didn't get to hear her little heart until 14 weeks. I could have opted for an ultrasound and found out right away if the fetus was okay but we had to pay for all these kinds of things out of pocket and it wouldn't change anything to wait. If something was wrong we would know soon enough, just like before. And this time I felt like things were okay.

june somewhere

2011-06-01T10:20:00.002-06:00

overnight
June came
and after all the anticipation
it seemed so sudden
i felt unready to welcome her
i was too tired to wake for her
maybe i could buy a little more May time
maybe i could procrastinate the season's reality
because once it's begun it's already almost over

Deep in the Hundred Acre Wood

2011-05-26T12:39:00.019-06:00

"...where Christopher Robin plays, you'll find the enchanted neighborhood of Christopher's childhood days. A donkey named Eeyore is his friend and Kanga and little Roo...

there's Rabbit

and Piglet

and there's Owl (no ears for him)...

but most of all Winnie the Pooh."

* * * * *

when Dinah was feeling under the weather a few months back she got really into that old 70s Disney movie "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". like, really into it. the thought occurred to me that it would make a good theme for her birthday party this year. somehow we got really lucky and last Saturday turned out to be one of the only un-wet and warm days in May (well, mostly un-wet).

adorable cake and bee-topped cupcakes made by my sweet sis-in-law, Sarah.

of course, we mustn't forget Tigger! the song carelessly leaves him out. although he does make up for it with his own little jingle (which my family was gracious enough to sing for all throughout the day).

a couple of AWESOME grandparents

it was a good day.

garbage warrior

2011-04-22T14:53:00.002-06:00

for those of you worried or wondering,
Dinah walks now.
officially.
as of a few weeks ago actually.

of course, we were pretty stoked for her but it was a bit anticlimactic. and we always knew she could and would when she was good and ready.
now practically every time i pick her up (out of her crib, car seat, etc.) she says "walk" and wants to be let down.

it's pretty nice.
though she does get into things a bit more.
and chasing after a child on her feet takes a bit more energy than chasing after one on her knees.

*****

on a totally unrelated note, i want to build and reside in one of these.
we watched a radical documentary about the history of these beauties last night.
highly recommend.

stars and secrets

2011-03-18T23:30:00.008-06:00

what myriad of secrets do you shelter
cradled patiently behind your eyes
awaiting an unassuming confidant
simply to heed soft understanding?

what hidden treasures are kept tucked deeper still
in the pockets of your memory
knowing ours too muddied to retain true
knowledge learned through surrendered intellect?

if i vacate cobwebbed catacombs of
reason; these dusty, tiresome years
will you provide this vagrant some fortitude?
teach solace in the simplicity of stars?

* * *

it's sometimes easier for me to express things i feel deeply about through short, concise, nondescript means rather than long explanations. though i would, in this case, like to explain a little concerning the context of the above poem.

Dinah has recently turned 22 months and, as some of you know, is not exactly walking on her own yet. through earlier signs she gave (sitting up, standing, crawling, all in average good time) i'd assumed she'd be walking at 12 months or thereabouts. my assumption proved incorrect.

naturally as the months dragged on i became a bit concerned. most of this concern however took its root not so much in maternal doubt in her ability than in societal statistics. it just is not common for a toddler to take so long to decide to walk. our parental position in this particular case is also unaverage as we have chosen not to vaccinate Dinah and she has otherwise not needed to see a pediatrician or other doctor. if we had chosen differently we would likely have had many opportunities to discuss and receive professional opinions regarding her 'lateness'.

am i against such discussion and opinions? no. i had actually decided several months ago that i would take her to see someone if i she were not walking by 22 months, because i'd had a strong feeling that she would be. she has continued to progress; slowly but surely. at 21 months she stood up in the middle of the room on her own. it amused her how excited we got. she continued to practice this skill and occasionally would take a few steps. the week before she turned 22 months she walked across her grandmother's room and then mine. the next day she took a tumble down the stairs (her first), and immediately was back to her usual knee-walking, more reluctant to stand up and try again for a few days. so, here we are again.

it's been a long road (just for me, really). but she's taught me so much. i've had the opportunity to know her, who she really is, much more intimately. and more importantly, i've come to understand how little i understand and respect the individual complexities of life. and pause to wonder at the unquestioning validity we give the word "normal".

longest month of the year

2011-02-23T12:03:00.010-07:00

been playing the silent game with my blog for a long time.
like becoming distant from an old friend, it's not easy to reconnect.

this photo of Dinah was taken last summer on the kitchen floor.
out of doors was hot and welcoming then but my general disposition was mid-February. (and not in a lovey, valentinezy sort of way.)

not sure what caused it but seems like winter started then and never stopped.
a perpetual winter.

in September i blogged about a pregnancy loss. it affected me quite strangely. at the time i didn't know how to feel but felt obligated to feel a certain way. in my confusion i interpreted my lack of feeling as a lack of concern.

it wasn't until 2 or 3 months later when i was again newly pregnant that i was honest enough to see how pregnancy had become this unsure and scary thing. i didn't feel like taking a pregnancy test. i told myself to quit whining as i was clearly lucky to be able to conceive and bear children at all. that sort of helped.

in October Ben's dad passed away after a year long struggle with terminal cancer. and the initial September chill transformed October into February overnight.

on the eve of November we moved into Ben's mom's house with the in-laws and in December were finally joined by my mother-in-law, Chris. the length of our stay here has remained undetermined and though it has generally been a good experience to spend this time with family it will be nice to have our own space again (and to not have to rummage through the filled-to-overflowing basement every time we find ourselves in want of something).

in December we held a memorial service here at the house for Ben's dad, Paul. and the next day his sister Sarah delivered her first child. December is in many ways better than February.

January was long and cold. and felt like a February with 31 days.

in February Ben got a new job, Dinah *finally* stood up on her own (another story for another day!) and i got to hear a heart beating inside me other than my own.

February is on it's way out and i'm beginning to glimpse the end of a perpetual winter.

is Christmas over already?

2010-12-28T00:12:00.001-07:00

oops.

Merry Christmas!

weeds

2010-10-07T11:55:00.012-06:00

...she's growing like one.

it's hard to imagine

that just under a year ago
she was...
this round

and rosy

and hairless.

it's been a good year.

summer's over

2010-09-28T12:16:00.022-06:00

i always tell myself posting just a few photos will suffice.
but i fail to heed my own advice.
(tell me internet, how is it possible to only post a few?)

we shot these up South Fork last weekend with Ben's sister Sarah and her husband Ryan.
the weather was gorgeous.

Sarah, Ryan and baby-to-be

it was cold...

but she didn't mind.

for the shop

2010-09-22T10:25:00.017-06:00

took some photos for the shop last week of a sweet little neighbor girl.
(maybe this week i'll get around to listing 'em...)

she was a bit camera-shy at first but she warmed up.
(apparently crouching down and leaning to one side helped).

shampoo mohawk

2010-09-22T07:00:00.000-06:00

never gets old for some reason.

resemblance

2010-08-05T09:12:00.005-06:00

Ben recently unearthed some old photos i'd not seen before.
as previously discovered; the daddy-daughter resemblance is striking.
(maybe it's just me?)

here are some of the others

Ben with his adorable baby sister, Sarah

on denial of ability

2010-08-02T05:55:00.004-06:00

Dinah woke to nurse at 3:45 this morning. (sometimes she does that).
the uselessness of attempting more sleep became obvious after lying in bed a few minutes and not being able to turn off my wretched brain. presently my stomach gave me the familiar nausea-nudge: "eat something or be sick". so here i am.

which reminds me, this is the second post i've started this morning that neglects the topic i originally meant to bring up. so i'll do that now. this is what the post i was going to type would have been titled:

a little clarification
(and it goes something like this)

it seems that there has been some confusion as to the meaning of a recent post involving a baby blanket, which is being made for the first baby of a sweet little sister-in-law. it was not meant to be an announcement of any kind about the current state of my uterus.

however, as it happens, we did recently discover (through a certain test involving urine) that mine is indeed occupied.

and there it is.

on a related note, yesterday i was told the story of a friend of a friend who, having two sons of her own, once made the mistake of titling a blog post, "number three is on it's way" (or something to that effect). apparently she was referring to her son's third tooth coming in, but her excited readers were too eager to offer comments of congratulations than to read the text of the post.

anyway...on denial of ability.
this has been on my mind a lot lately. frequently enough i have conversations that involve the sharing of birth stories. and as Dinah's birth included no administration of anesthesia it is common for me to hear things like, "you are brave" and "i could never do that". though i am proud of the results of my personal efforts to eliminate my fears about giving birth and achieve a healthy, natural birthing for my baby, i cringe a little inside every time i hear this kind of language. i don't know how to respond to it. it's quite uncomfortable. what i do know is that i am not some exception nor do i have some remarkably high tolerance for pain. on the contrary, i strongly believe i am part of the majority of healthy women, perfectly able to birth babies without unnecessary surgeries or interventions. when i hear this type of praise i feel like these women are denying their ability to perform a function there bodies were designed to perform. it seems to me, that this stems from a confusion about ourselves and our womanhood. this is only natural as our society has a long habit of teaching women of their incapability when it comes to birth. (don't get me started...)

but when thinking about this denial of ability, i note it presents itself in many diverse situations (other than birth). i have long been guilty of it. in many aspects of my life. and we all are. i personally developed strong negative feelings about myself and my abilities at a very early age. looking back i see i used my inability as a scapegoat, preventing myself from developing talents and achieving my potential. i told myself i was just not good at certain subjects. i was too dumb to get higher grades. it took many years for me to realize the reason rooted beneath my deep denial. i was bitter about the way i'd been treated by some teachers when i was young. i didn't agree with their teaching methods. the grading system seemed to me an unfair representation of a person's knowledge.

learning this about myself, it's clear to see the problem didn't lie in hopeless stupidity but in subconscious defiance. it was hard to want something i didn't wholeheartedly believe in. it wasn't until a few years into college that i decided to prove to myself that i could indeed "do well" in school. and i did. but my motivation had completely changed. i wasn't performing for my parents or society. i was honestly motivated (meaning my motive was honest).

realizing this truth (which i still struggle with) has been very liberating. i have come to see this denial of ability more clearly and readily in myself and those around me. women seem to be especially plagued by it. we have a nasty habit of constantly comparing ourselves to other women (GUILTY!). unfortunately, blogging is not always helpful in this regard. although it can be. which, i guess, is why i decided to go to the trouble of trying to articulate it here.

beat the heat

2010-07-27T15:45:00.010-06:00

...we did.

been makin'

2010-07-27T11:34:00.010-06:00

...for a weddin'
(date tba; some time this fall)

...for a baby girl
(not due to arrive til december, but who can wait?)

...for an etsy customer
(who wrote today and said she loved it. phew)

some photos

2010-07-15T23:45:00.005-06:00

someone's in the kitchen.

Daddy breeze.

don't ask me what my favorite color is

2010-06-25T12:17:00.007-06:00

i was well into my twenties before i could answer that remarkably, overly-asked question. i used to rack my brain trying to come up with an answer for it. finally decided upon yellow, for no particular reason. i was tired of not having an answer.

a less common but slightly more portentous question would be,
"what's your greatest fault?"

that one has been consistently much easier to answer:
inconsistency. a lack of constancy.

in other words, i'm unsteady, variable, inconsonant, incompatible, fickle, unstable, unpredictable and unreliable.

which is the opposite of constant, firm, unswerving, ceaseless, everlasting, reliable and steadfast.

i also often have a very difficult time finishing things. (for instance, this post. i'm not sure where it's going, are you?)

here's where i take a deep breath and attempt to articulate a point.

sometimes i feel like i'm growing and the next minute i'm stunted or shrinking.
some days i just want to write a poem a day (or week) to post on this blog for the rest of it's existence.
some days i throw around the idea of only posting photos void of any exhausting explanation.
some weeks i don't want to think about a blog. the internet. the MEDIA...(tv scares me).

i want to run away to a foreign land. raise my kids in a thatched-roof-dirt-floor hut and encourage shoeless frolickings-around in rice patties. seriously. don't you?

this all may or may not have something to do with the reality that i'm turning thirty this weekend.
but it probably does.

weekend recoup

2010-06-21T10:06:00.002-06:00

showers are for sitting in
mine's a garden tub: wide 'n deep
it doesn't discriminate length of thighs

it allows that satisfaction:
complete heat saturation
(better than swimming)

wet soaked thoughts
drip clumsily into oblivion
obviously unaware of anything

and everything
leaves me
alone

these two

2010-06-02T10:25:00.013-06:00

been going through my dad's personal history lately, (as i mentioned before).  i'm quite overwhelmed by his writing.  he always was good with words but was not known for his openness. he was kind of the opposite of open.  it's amazing what time does to us, besides just turning our hair gray, (Bob's isn't quite there in these earlier shots but we'll get to that).

Bob and Suzanne's Happy Day - December 1966

newlyweds on a visit to sunny California

Lake Arrowhead Summer of 1967 - Suzanne is pregnant with the first of seven.

with little Kirsten Canaan (K.C.) - love Bob's glasses!

since they never went to a dance together before marriage they decided to go to the BYU Junior Prom in 1969. (i also wore this dress to my high school's junior prom, but i won't be sharing those pictures).

circa 1970 something...

this is cool!

2010-05-28T20:47:00.003-06:00

*click*

six and sixty

2010-05-25T07:00:00.002-06:00

dear dad,

lately i've been reading my copy of your digital diary from a few years ago. i really enjoy all the photos. it is more of a history than a diary; one lined with feeling and emotion, the type to trigger tears, (i've learned to be careful not to read it too late at night or certain times of the month for that very reason).

dad, you have always been wise. there is nothing i could teach you. you are, to me (and all of us) a continual pillar of strength and faith; immovable amidst the chaotic whirlwind of fickleness and change that surrounds you. this is how i see you. as stillness. as gentleness. an example of love. an embodiment of the Christ-like principles you've spent a lifetime teaching. oh, and you're pretty funny, too. thanks for taking the serious bits seriously and for laughing at the trivial ones.

happy sixty-sixth! 

(it has a nice ring to it).

love you forever and forever,
lizard breath

refusing to see white

2010-05-24T09:12:00.011-06:00

i'm not going to lament

the Christmas-size flakes
in almost-June

the frost-bitten leaves
and drooping petals
. . .

i'm not going to mope
about not being warned
in time to cover the garden

(or how i might've been
had i been a better
weekly-weather-watcher)

. . .

i'd rather regard the sunshine

shared with friends not but

a week ago

the wee flowerbed
planted in the newly formed
section of earth

a wooden garden bench
(made with love)
for under the young tree

fresh-picked strawberries,
shorts with short-sleeves
and sunny Sunday strolls

more shots from saturday's shindig

2010-05-16T12:53:00.028-06:00

party favors.

setting up.

(didn't get any shots of the scrumptious food before it was devoured...)

matching wreath for the door.

cousins!

friends.

and neighbors.

presents!
(or more importantly: bags, cards and tissue paper).

whipped cream mustache.
(icing on the cake.)

happy first year, my sweet little turtle!

turtle's party: bird's eye view

2010-05-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

party preview puffs

2010-05-07T07:00:00.003-06:00

care to guess what's in the works for the turtle's big day?

green kitchen

2010-05-06T17:59:00.007-06:00

dahlias, daisies and daydreaming of warm soil to plant them in.

back

2010-05-06T12:14:00.005-06:00

just recently returned from a trip to Wichita visiting Ben's family.
it was seventy and eighty degrees the whole week.
...while it snowed here in Utah.
in May.
surprise.

glad to be back and busily preparing for the turtle's upcoming birthday party.
one year old.
already.

getting the yard and garden ready.
purchasing flowers to plant(!)

taking photos for the etsy shop.
busy, busy, busy.

maybe you'll get photos one of these days.

2010-04-23T14:52:00.005-06:00

if you're wondering
where my irony has gone
you should ask the snow

you should recall the nonsense;
it's easy enough to remember

how i've aged.
how we've seen better days.

there is something so trite about a conjured poem;
so utterly eventual

to put it plainly:

i once saw and felt in different skin
but this sheath is remarkably dull

and worn down by the years

well, to be accurate,
it's the days
isn't it?

yes, that's right
the days.

if you're still reading
i will tell you

today i spent some time thinking
about my mother.

for every thing there is a season

2010-04-19T09:58:00.004-06:00

spring = artichokes.

10 for $10 at my local grocery.

number of artichokes i single-handedly devoured this weekend = five.

also made this fabulous strawberry rhubarb pie.
(my guy's a pie guy.)
yes, strawberrys are 2 lbs. for $3.
why are you still sitting there?

arugula: say it 5 times fast

2010-04-15T10:00:00.009-06:00

if you were to say that when i asked our friendly neighborhood produce guy to point me in the direction of the arugula yesterday, that i may have (slightly) mispronounced the word ARUGULA, i'm afraid you would be grossly understating the embarrassing exchange.
but i'd forgive you.

fact is, this is not the first encounter mister produce guy and i have had that was snicker-worthy. though last time it was i who laughed at his expense. (behind closed doors, of course, in the safety of my own home.) but that's another story entirely.
so, i guess you could say we're even, mister produce guy and me.

....

here we have, for your viewing pleasure some Arugula Ravioli. the process of which i'd love to explain to you in great detail, but just looking at the photos is surprisingly exhausting, so i'll leave it to your imagination (or you could look at the recipe yourself if you really had a hankering to).

i will say:
* the smell of fresh chopped arugula and basil is intoxicating.
* ravioli does not need much cheese (if any). i used a sharp Italian provolone and it was just enough.
* though time consuming, homemade ravioli is worlds above the pre-packaged store-bought frozen variety and is worth trying at least once.

this recipe makes a lot of ravioli. i froze the leftovers for a bento for Ben today and some for me.

smitten

2010-04-12T22:00:00.002-06:00

i recently read of another blogger's astonishment over people's excessive interest in food.  not just the eating of it; the talking and the blogging of it.  even the (wait for it) taking pictures of it(!)
...
she went on to say that she does cook, but hates doing it.
(wherein lies her obvious bewilderment with the food-obsessed.)

i get it.  i mean, though i am a self-confessed foodie, we all have our days when heating up a quick something in the ole' radiator is far more appealing than putting forth the effort of thought and action required in making something worth eating.  don't we?
(though my friend was in no way arguing for the abolition of fresh cooked meals, quite the contrary.  she just doesn't happen to enjoy the actual meal-making act).
wherein lies the true tragedy, my friends.

i mean, creating a new thing.  a thing that looks good, smells good, tastes good!  just like any other form of creation, it can be so fulfilling.  truly.  but i digress.

what i really wanted to talk about was my recent love for and devotion to this food blog.  seriously, i am smitten.

got on there today to make a list of the recipes i absolutely must make before the eventual zombie apocalypse, and ended up making today's post.  i really am a sucker.

it's the easy jam tart.

and though i do cook, i don't normally bake. so i'm taking things slow and easy. and this tart was easy.

and not at all hard to eat either.

little Italia

2010-04-02T12:01:00.006-06:00

onesie and headband i made for Dinah's friend Italia whose first birthday we are celebrating with her and her's tomorrow.
(hope this sunshine holds out.)
the model was a bit reluctant today.

the felt roses are from an EASY tutorial on the purl bee. check it out.
the fabric is from Alexander Henry's tillbrook line.

easter experiment

2010-03-28T14:37:00.007-06:00

finally got around to trying out one of the patterns i got for Dinah during Christmas. it turned out okay for a first try. the ruffles were a bit tricky and time consuming, but i got the hang of it. my only real complaint is that it's too short. i made the 12 month size and Dinah is only 10 and it was kind of smallish. but she is a bit of a chunk. i made the matching hair tie too long; i wasn't going for the bunny-ears look, but i guess it's appropriate.

post script: the fabric is Alexander Henry "mocca" from 2006.

diaper discovery

2010-03-22T21:00:00.002-06:00

here's what happened today after a little photo session with the turtle...

she's been making attempts during diaper changes for the last week or so and i've been quick to snap-up the onesies. but today i felt like she earned this.

organic blooms

2010-03-22T20:55:00.002-06:00

been passing weekend time hand stitching textile wearables
like this:

love the colors in this vintage fabric.
(been scheming what to do with it for weeks.)

Welcome Spring.

debut

2010-03-11T15:23:00.005-07:00

the rumors are true. i started (another) etsy shop(!)

CLICK HERE
for more cuteness.

{post script: i'm considering selling the head wraps as well. thoughts?}

some like it hot

2010-03-10T17:03:00.001-07:00

midnight mandarin

2010-03-09T18:50:00.006-07:00

a necklace i made from the beads off an old sweater, some felt, satin, & velvety corduroy ribbon.

i'm pretty pleased with it.

peek-a-boo under the table

2010-03-08T21:13:00.009-07:00

her new favorite spot to hang out.

shower

2010-03-05T13:27:00.023-07:00

been busy working on some projects for my friend Christina's baby shower tomorrow. we sort of based the theme around an invitation i'd originally come up with for another shower last fall.
[paper & fabric banners, bouquet of 'thank you' party favors and the invite]

if i can get some good ones, i'll share more photos of the actual event later.

2010-02-23T23:49:00.002-07:00

ten minutes to
midnight.

one of those:
struggling-to-shape-words
from-these-thoughts
moments.

you
know.

but sometimes it's just
right
to write

nothing.

stuffed

2010-02-18T10:00:00.001-07:00

there is something about
morsels of dough stuffed with...well, stuff.

boiled or fried. hot or cold. immersed in soup or slathered in sauce.
be it Italian tortellini or Japanese gyoza,
this genre of deliciousness has something for everyone.

yesterday i made
poached vegetable & tofu wontons in spicy oil

these asian beauties are stuffed simply with a mix of crumbled tofu, poached spring greens & green onions flavored with fresh ginger, soy sauce, sesame oil, rice vinegar & a pinch of s+p.

they're wrapped up like nurse's caps, boiled for a few minutes & served with a chili oil & garlic sauce.

[recipe here]

my neighbor brought over a pie

2010-02-12T21:11:00.012-07:00

her name is Grace.
Altagracia actually; High Grace.
"it's tres leches" she said.
and, regarding the shredded topping, "i hope you like coconut".
do i ever!

i love Grace.
i love that she makes my husband beans randomly (so does he).
i love that she just thought to pop over with some tres leches.
i love her neighborly example.

thank you, Grace. the tres leches was to die for.

turkey and deer in the front yard

2010-02-08T11:41:00.007-07:00

that's how this gem of a cabin was advertised when i stumbled upon the listing yesterday. wild turkey and deer in your yard; what could be better?

maybe a pool?
a three car garage?
TEN acres of land nestled in north carolina's beautiful blue ridge mountains?

and all for less than we paid for the cookie-cutter, stucco box on .10 of an acre in the suburbs of northern utah that we call home.

really though, i'm not bitter. our house is great...for now.
but, can't a girl dream?

p.s.
dear mr. Bill Wall,
you're welcome for the free advertising.
don't forget me when you sell your beautiful houses.
sincerely,
your biggest fan

update: so...the links don't work (directly). maybe you noticed. i'll forgive Bill this time though. he is a realtor after all. the other home i linked is the E.A. Poe house which can also be found here.

tales of shrimp cocktail (part one)

2010-02-06T17:24:00.014-07:00

apparently there is a big sporting event going on tomorrow during which a large portion of the nation will participate via their televisions.
it's like a holiday.
i know because earlier this afternoon i visited my local grocery and they were giving out samples. (samples like shrimp with cocktail sauce which is pretty unusual.) and there were more people there than i encounter most saturdays (like on a holiday). and they were all out of firm and extra firm tofu; Ben insists this is unrelated, but i'm not convinced.

at the register the woman in front of me was buying a lot of food ($360 worth) including party trays and several bottles of soda.
as i was checking out i noticed the next cashier over was wearing a black and white striped tunic that looked suspiciously like a referee uniform. i was incredulous and kept glancing at it as if it somehow held the secret to the universe.

at this point i noticed two other workers wearing the same striped shirts; and that's when it sunk in. (yep, it took that long.)

momentarily i heard my cashier remark, "you're not having a party".
"no," i smiled back. "i just now realized what was going on. we don't have tv and my husband really dislikes sports".
a moment of uncomfortable silence passed and she said, "i don't care about it either".

***

{post script: i usually ignore grocery store samples. but shrimp cocktail? i had to have some.
thanks superbowl.}

morning nap

2010-02-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

...with one foot out.

on the road to recovery

2010-02-03T20:44:00.006-07:00

spent the day slurping down multiple portions of veggie soup, guzzling herbal tea and nursing the invalids.

Dinah has made a fairly complete recovery; her fever broke yesterday and she was back to her mobile, smiley self this morning after sleeping in till 9:30.

Ben is still pretty incapacitated. he spent the day reading and watching movies and is currently passed out on the sofa, just minutes after he asked me to turn on an episode of this.
poor tuckered thing.

a couple of sickies

2010-02-02T14:52:00.003-07:00

Ben told me last night he would have to take a sick day today. he hadn't taken one since the few he took when Dinah was born. he rarely misses work for anything. i was pretty excited at the prospect of having him home...

then the turtle caught his fever and the day became that much longer.

today's forecast: sunny outside, sick inside.

making kimchi pokem + a bento

2010-02-01T22:00:00.009-07:00

it's been a long day, but a productive one.
the sun was welcoming this morning and i went out not once, but twice. exciting, i know.

february might be my favorite winter month. (it's the shortest, for one thing.) and i've noticed a pattern from all my years living in utah; nearly every february contains a 'warm spell', you know, where it gets up to 50 or 60 degrees for a week or so and fools everybody into thinking spring has come early.
some resent this trickery, but i welcome it; appreciating any warmth i can get.

alright, onto the food. i know that's all we both care about.
today's bento was grilled eggplant and tomatoes over brown rice and a left-over mexican-pineapple salad from the weekend (good, but the flavors ((raw onions)) are VERY strong and better after a day or so in the fridge).
side note: avocados should be eaten as often as humanly possible.

also, sunday i made kimchi pokem-bap (fried rice) for lunch. i was so excited about it, i insisted Ben document it. if you've got the kimchi, the recipe is really pretty simple.

first, i grilled the kimchi in sesame oil, cutting up the larger pieces. it's kind of important that you fry this first as it really brings out the flavor of the kimchi.

then i added onions, garlic, and green onions to the pan and sauteed for a minute or two, then pushed the mixture aside to make room to fry an egg and stir it in (not pictured).

last, i added the rice, a tablespoon of soy sauce and one of red-pepper paste (optional ingredient that really spices things up and makes it taste more authentic).

i must say, it tasted perfection.

even though

2010-01-29T09:55:00.007-07:00

she crawls everywhere,
climbs on everything,
practices standing in her crib when it's time to sleep,
and i just now found her chewing on the door stop she finally managed to dis-join from behind her bedroom door...

in reality,
i know i have it way too easy, and
i catch myself wanting a dozen more of her!

(okay. maybe it's more like half a dozen)

something i wrote last year

2010-01-27T11:40:00.012-07:00

well rested, a type of ephemeral Sunday drifts under the leathered layer of her conscious.
and deep picked the stars from black skies; her unknown heavens.
radiant heat of the gods in flames.
the knife she brandishes a fine steel sting;
emboldened with the puncture it assumes.

grass-heavy, grown thick the ivy round her crown;
blessed in boundless infinities.
brazen mistress of divinities darkness.
wakes the hollowed sleeping of her song.

homecoming

2010-01-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

originally scheduled to return in April, my parents have been given an early release from their mission in Jacksonville, FL.

we are going to greet them at the airport tonight!

i'll admit, i'm thrilled Dinah will finally be meeting her grandparents. they have enjoyed much success in bringing souls unto Christ. and have been blessed with not a few trials along the way.
but there is joy in the journey.

welcome home mom & dad!

this child

2010-01-21T17:35:00.008-07:00

...is teething.

'nuff said.

sometimes i make lunch for myself

2010-01-19T13:16:00.009-07:00

Japanese soba noodles + Korean kimbap + kimchi

soba is buckwheat noodles served cold topped with seaweed & dipped in soba sauce & green onions.

kimbap is made similar to sushi but the rice is seasoned with sesame oil & salt as opposed to rice vinegar & sugar. and it usually includes something like shredded beef or tuna instead of raw fish (mine is just veggies) and is often made for Korean lunches.

kimchi is spicy, pickled napa cabbage and is a staple in the Korean diet. (how i love it.)

monday medi bento

2010-01-17T21:00:00.009-07:00

{pre-post disclaimer: the camera-girl's skills cannot be trusted to do the food justice. i even used Ben's fancy Nikon this time. man. can't wait till spring so i can get some shots with natural light}.

been meaning to make some Mediterranean fare for some time now and finally got around to this Lebanese tabbouleh. i also put my own twist on this batata harra (spicy garlic potatoes).

both dishes were pretty simple and the tabbouleh turned out just how i like it. if you've never had tabbouleh, now's the time for repentance.

casual friday bento

2010-01-15T07:00:00.003-07:00

although Ben doesn't really have a strict dress code to adhere to at work, he does wear button-up shirts sporting the company logo with his jeans. BUT, on friday he gets to pair those jeans with a t-shirt of his choosing. (oh, the excitement).

sometimes i just feel like doing a dressed-down bento, you know? a simple one stuffed with raw fruit and veggies.

snappy-spinach wrap contains: leftover rice from dinner, tomato, avocado, cream cheese & spinach. also threw in a red pear, clementine, grape tomatoes, carrots+celery (they heart each other), and some of that pickled radish Ben is so fond of.

spring trio

2010-01-14T14:37:00.006-07:00

snow started up again last night.

got me pining for spring again.

comments

2010-01-14T11:03:00.006-07:00

they're back by popular demand.
thanks to all two of you; you know who you are.
i, myself enjoy expressing my voice now and again.
and again.
and i don't dislike hearing yours.
so please share it.

and for those of you who visit this space regularly and choose not to comment, from one blog stalker to another, i respect your anonymity. your ghostly presence is welcome here anytime.

mid-week bento

2010-01-13T07:00:00.005-07:00

wednesday's bento contains the following:
grilled asparagus (basically marinated with this vinaigrette), grilled grape tomatoes, and pickled radishes and daikon with ginger.
also made a heart-y tropical fruit salad with pineapple, papaya (leftover from the som-tom), apples and pomegranate seeds.
it turned out to be a very vinegary and tart bento full of flavors that'll make your tongue raw.

happy wednesday. <3

som tom in my tum

2010-01-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

it seems i might be obsessed with thai food.
this just in: i'm obsessed with all food.

remember that delicious pad thai i made? well, we had friends over on sunday and i decided to make it again (surprised?) along with some thai papaya salad (som tom) which happens to be my favorite thai dish.

of course, i'd never made it before and i wasn't sure that the pictured, mexican papaya was going to do the trick, as it wasn't quite as green as it was supposed to be, but it turned out better than expected. (translation: it blew the socks off my guests.)

seriously, it was good.

[recipe here]

par-tea

2010-01-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

some lovely photos from my niece, Kate's seventh birthday (tea) party hosted by my sister, Sarah, last friday.

the birthday girl.

kick-in-the-pants pad thai

2010-01-07T21:52:00.013-07:00

so the photo turned out sort of crappy, but can i just say, as i type this i am enjoying this noodle dish and it is like a party in my mouth and everyone's invited!

really. it is changing my life.
we had left-over rice noodles from a dish i tried the other day that was kind of blah, so i decided to try them in some veggie pad thai. i found a recipe that i had most of the ingredients for, but wasn't in the mood to follow closely. so here's what i did; and i'm only taking the time to record it because it was that divine and i love you that much.

6-8 oz pad thai rice noodles
2 eggs
4 finely chopped garlic cloves
1 chopped shallot
1 large carrot - grated
1/2 head of chopped green cabbage
1/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1/4 roughly chopped cashews (or peanuts)
olive oil (as needed for frying)
couple dashes of soy sauce
about a tablespoon of sriracha (thai chili sauce)
salt and pepper to taste
*lime, bean sprouts and more cashews for garnish

cook the noodles in a large pot of boiling water for just a few minutes. check them for the consistency you like. they can be a bit al dente as they will cook more when you fry them. drain them and set aside.

finely chop the garlic and shallot and saute in a large skillet with olive oil until brown. move to the side and add eggs to the pan. scramble eggs and mix with the garlic and shallot. mix in noodles adding more oil if needed. add soy sauce and sriracha and s&p to taste.

in another large sauce pan, saute cabbage, carrots and cilantro in oil for a few minutes. stir the noodle mixture in with the cabbage mixture and cook for another minute or two if needed.

squeeze some fresh lime juice on the noodles before serving and garnish with lime slices cashews and bean sprouts.

notes:
the extra sriracha is what really gives this recipe some heat. it is a must as well as the lime, cilantro and nuts.

the lack of the usual meat (or tofu) in pad thai is not missed and it makes the dish that much easier to make.

also, the noodles may need to be cut smaller with some kitchen shears. mine were already really small for the first recipe i used them in.

arrhythmia

2010-01-05T07:00:00.003-07:00

He shouldn't, but he does. He runs up hills,
thinking about her inaccessibility,
her vanishings, her panics, and her pills,
her ever-constant instability.
He stops at Dyson's summit, staring out,
over the edge, at the alien world below,
knowing there's just one thing he cares about:
Where is she now? And why did she go?
He feels the syncopation of his heart,
its whirling tachycardia, its death-
like SVTs, its sudden off-the-chart
fibrillation, and his paucity of breath.
He weakens in a wild, dizzying blur,
which feels just fine, because it feels like her.

poem by William Baer, as seen here.

post confession: i mostly posted this because i like the way the title sounds and feels on my tongue.

tuesday's bento

2010-01-04T23:00:00.002-07:00

(the ole point-n-shoot tends to be shakier than usual after hours.)
garlic-green beans in soy sauce with chili flakes, carrot-sesame salad, blackberries and half a pepper-jack and squaw bread sandwich hiding underneath.

sans the sappy love note. thought i'd spare you. you're welcome.

Ben's first bento

2010-01-03T19:30:00.001-07:00

since joining the stay-at-home-mom crowd, (and before joining) i've really slacked off when it comes to preparing lunch for my spouse. he's been lucky to get leftovers. lately, he most often goes without anything but the free instant oatmeal his employer provides or the occasional pop-tart (which he hates, and the fact he eats them proves how desperate the situation is). of course, he could go out to lunch, but that is more than unlikely for multiple reasons which i will not get into now; if you know Ben you can probably guess them.

so, the other day i somehow stumbled upon an article about these. the idea of bento appealed to my creative side and my obsession with food. i decided to try my hand at making vegetarian bento lunches for Ben.

Ben's first bento is mostly leftovers from this weekend: celery, carrot and beet salad, seasoned tofu strips, daikon radish and cucumber spears, grilled garden burger bites and some apples.

post script: i count myself lucky to have married someone man enough for things such as tofu and beets.

our unending source of entertainment

2010-01-01T21:36:00.003-07:00

resolute resolve

2009-12-31T11:00:00.003-07:00

never really been into new year's resolutions. they always seem to be short lived; their goals rarely accomplished. maybe you know what i mean.

of course, i do have a mental list as long as my arm of things i'd like to accomplish this coming year. (...intimidatingly long.) after mulling over whether or not to state to myself a specific goal and contemplating the ever-looming possibility of failure, i woke this morning with this scripture in my mind:

"Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God."

Doctrine and Covenants 109:8

it struck me.

it sums up what it is i've been (somewhat unconsciously) working toward this last year, especially since Dinah was born in May and "home-making" became my new full time occupation.

so i've resolved to make this my one stated resolution, because it encompasses everything on my mental list, and is the essence of what i want for me and mine in twenty-ten and beyond.

happy new year!

early light

2009-12-30T11:54:00.001-07:00

some shots of monday morning's hoar frost taken by our in-house photographer.

tbd

2009-12-28T07:00:00.008-07:00

finally got some up-close shots of Dinah's eyes in natural light.
we're forever debating back and forth as to their actual color.
originally they were blue/gray (like most newborns) but they've gradually turned brown around the pupils, leading Ben to conclude that they'll be brown like his.
i've been telling him for a while now that they are hazel.
although they say the color is often not determined until 12 months old or more.
conclusion: the jury's still out on the turtle's eye color.

let earth receive her king

2009-12-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

brown paper packages

2009-12-23T21:53:00.011-07:00

just wrapping things up over here.
made some of these for some quick gifts this year. they were really quite fun.
(i'm counting on the unpopularity of this blog to keep these secret from the recipients for another day or so).

Ben promptly took over the wrapping when i tried to use tape.
"that's what the string is for," he said.
he is quite the wrapper. i told him he would do well in a butcher shop if not for the small inconvenience of being a vegetarian.

a delicious mess

2009-12-21T20:48:00.014-07:00

been wanting to try peppermint bark this season and found this cinch of a recipe a while back via the long thread.

it was a bit messy pounding the candy canes into bits and breaking it into chunks when it cooled. but well worth it, i'd say.

(Ben's coworkers will be the beneficiaries of this batch.)

morning

2009-12-18T07:00:00.015-07:00

this is about the time when i discovered words (the poetry kind).
it wasn't when a junior high or high school teacher taught me whatever it is they teach and call it poetry; (rhyme, meter, haiku...or who-knows-what}.
it was the time when i was sixteen or seventeen years old sitting in an advanced placement art class hovering over the blank page of a sketch book and no thought in my head whatever as to what to draw.
nothing.
so, i started to write.
is this boring?
now i have lots of sketch books filled with words.

oh.
there is a reason i brought this up. and it is because i just read this poem that i'm about to post. and i thought it was great and i remembered how, when i discovered the above mentioned about myself (that i liked to write. a lot) i started reading some stuff. like E.E. Cummings stuff.
and that was about it (almost) for about ten years.
until i discovered other people's poetry (people who were not dead).
and i liked it.
that is to say, i discovered that i liked it.
i didn't think i would. but i did.
this is one of those:

Morning

Who is here with me?
My mother and an Indian man.
(I am writing this in the past.)
The Indian man is not a man,
but a wooden statue just outside
the limits of wood. My mother
is made of mother. She touches
the wood with her eyes and the eyes
of the statue turn to hers, that is,
become hers. (I am not dreaming.
I haven’t even been born yet.)
There is a cloud in the sky.
My father is inside the cloud,
asleep. When he wakes up, he
will want coffee and a smoke.
My mother will set fire
to the Indian and from deep inside
her body I will tell her
to start the coffee, for even now
I feel my father’s breathing change.

-from Ron Padgett's You Never Know (2001)

my apologies

2009-12-17T06:00:00.003-07:00

to those of you who previously viewed the following photos on the book of faces, and are now enduring an overdose of cuteness.

it can't be helped. i'm head over heels for this child.

all photos taken by long time friend Emily Timmreck.

boring post about boring stuff

2009-12-15T21:42:00.004-07:00

as these things go with Ben, it took a little coaxing, but i managed to convince him that we needed a food dehydrator. and we did need one.

so far we've dried apples, bananas, mango, pineapple and grapes (which take forever to dry, but make for the best raisins i, you or anybody you know or may have known or have ever heard of, has ever eaten!)

we decided to wrap 'em up with some of these and these to sweeten the deal and gave them to the neighbors and such. (sans the raisins, of course.)

wish you were my neighbor?

{post script: i warned you about the sheer drabness of this post. though i wouldn't say it was altogether bland.}

that the word might be fulfilled

2009-12-14T07:00:00.018-07:00

"And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me."

Alma 7:10-13

{artwork by Carl Heinrich Bloch}

just because

2009-12-13T00:34:00.009-07:00

O Me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who  more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;     
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

                                                   Answer.

That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

Walt Whitman

joy in the mail

2009-12-12T12:46:00.012-07:00

i'll admit it.

i'm just a bit obsessed with this bunch of vintage fabric that arrived in the mailbox yesterday.

i told Ben it's part of my Christmas. then he asked if he could wrap it for me, which offer i declined. and i (sheepishly) asked him if i would be getting any presents besides the fabric and patterns i've recently purchased for myself (and Dinah, technically) and insisted was all i wanted for Christmas.

"i don't know," he replied in a way that was difficult to read. hmm.
this really was a lovely lot, including several patchwork quilt squares (above) and some old feedsacks (below).

some '70's patchwork fabric.
love these ones!

an early Merry Christmas to me. let the New Year's crafting begin.

night and day

2009-12-09T16:26:00.014-07:00

our scrawny tree, topped with the symbol for peace.

{post script: the gorgeous painting of The Rockies is a gift from my talented father-in-law. several of his paintings hang in our home.}

frost bitten

2009-12-08T16:31:00.008-07:00

yesterday i gave myself a well deserved pat on the back for a job well done shoveling our driveway.
(in the past i never did this. neither the pat nor the shoveling.)

today i woke to more snow and watched in horror as it continued (for hours) to dump, ever so lightly and softly, blanketing the world in white as far as the eye can see.
"no biggie" i told myself. "i just won't shovel".

but then, i did.

in other news, here are some pictures of a really kitschy wreath i made today. i actually kinda wish it were less frilly and more kitschy, but whatcha gonna do?

creepy guy in my window.

{post script: i think i want to paint the door. my neighbors painted theirs chocolate brown and i don't hate it. thoughts?}

just can't get enough

2009-12-07T13:05:00.003-07:00

of this baby.

a child's history of england

2009-12-04T10:56:00.013-07:00

...will be adorning our tree this year.
i really like the idea of having a different theme or color scheme for the tree each year.
last year we did vintage birds.
this time i wanted to go with a subdued look; something earthy and aged looking.
i saw these listed on etsy a week or so back and thought what i often think when i stumble upon something i like on etsy: "i want those, but i can't afford them so i guess i'll just have to make my own" (and, rarely, i actually DO make my own).
gratefully, i already had most of the materials needed for the project, and only had to buy some foam balls.
i was bored with just the one and decided to do some variations on the idea, including some with strips from an old book i have (like 1884 old), which Ben wasn't too happy about. not because he liked the book, but because he thinks it's a shame to deface something so old. but the truth is the poor thing was on it's way out to begin with. and i assured Ben it would be more appreciated this way. at least, by me.

{post script: most of the other old books are volumes of poetry which i am much less inclined to tear pages out of.}

her room

2009-11-23T20:42:00.022-07:00

i finally did it.

people love to ask new moms about the nursery.
most moms (that i know) start with paint. pink or blue, usually. (not my style.)
then there's the furniture and the crib bedding. stuff gets expensive. 'sides, like the kid even cares about all that.

i put it off. for awhile. didn't even buy a crib till months after she was born.
most moms would panic at the thought. most moms go with pink or blue. i'm just not that mom.
it was MY sewing room, for one thing.

gradually, things changed (obviously). most likely owing to the fact that i was home now and had way too much time on my hands.
so it goes.

also, Emily was coming from LA for the holidays and we'd arranged for her to take some photos of the turtle and the fam. so that served as a big motivator.

anywho. blah blah blah. here's the proof of my labor of love.

still my sewing room, as you can see.
a lot of these things were gifts. like the toys and the quilts below and the stuffed animals. (except for the gorilla on the end there. that's Julio. Ben gave him to me the night he proposed.)

the vintage baby clothes are from the 20's and were purchased by me from ebay, specifically for the above mentioned photo shoot. (the gloves are from our wedding.)
this blouse was offered to me when Ben's grandma Ellen passed last year. it was her mothers and most likely of the Edwardian era (1900-1910).
some poems about children (not to be confused with children's poems).
an illustration i painted. (it says Autumn's Child, for you Korean illiterates.)
a mobile i made out of embroidery hoops, ribbons and such.
a slightly spoiled, ridiculously cute baby girl.

{post script: i still think it's in need of a few of these. just sayin'.}