The more I think about Maisie's birth and the events leading up to it, the more I realize it needs to be written in parts. There is quite a bit of detail that is important for me to remember. With Dinah's birth story I kind of skimped because I didn't want to bore my audience. I still remember some of the things I left out, but will likely forget a lot that I didn't record.
Maisie's birth started with another birth, around this time last year. I'd been pregnant for 11 weeks and discovered after no fetal heart beat at 10 weeks followed by a few days of bleeding that this pregnancy was about to end. I'd suspected it. I was sick early on but it didn't last long and gradually I noticed that, although I was feeling tired it was not the same as before. My family suggested it might be a boy but I had a hunch something was wrong.
The miscarriage was like a birth in many ways. I was expecting it and when labor started I knew what it was. After about 4 days of bleeding but without any other cramping or discomfort the contractions started at around 7AM on a Monday morning. It was Labor Day (Sept, 6th 2010) so Ben was home form work with me. They came in waves but were not too strong and we went about the morning grocery shopping with Dinah and got some Thai take out for lunch. I had Papaya Salad (one of my favorites). At about noon, while we were eating and Dinah was napping, I noticed the contractions getting stronger. I felt something gush (similar to my water breaking when I was pregnant with Dinah) and went to sit on the toilet. I told Ben to get me a bowl because I felt like throwing up but I yelled at him not to show it to me, I really didn't want to lose the lunch I was still in the middle of enjoying. I put my head between my knees and concentrated on my breathing. I felt like I had passed two clots and since I was pretty sick and out of it I didn't try to look at them before flushing the toilet afterward. Ben commented on how much blood there was. I was grateful that we'd been home when it happened but felt pretty empty. Not just because I'd gone through a mini-labor without a baby to show for it, but because it was a like a birth but not unacknowledged as one. I mourned the loss, of course, but felt like I'd been somewhat prepared for it.
Two months later, in early November I got pregnant again. I was ready but didn't realize I was in for what would feel like the longest pregnancy of my life! It was difficult acknowledging I was pregnant after such a recent loss. I knew I was but never felt like taking a pregnancy test. It was hard to tell people because I had already told them I was before and hadn't announced the miscarriage to most anyone other than family. So any time I told some one I had to preempt it with “I was pregnant before and I miscarried and now I'm pregnant again”. Weird. So I usually didn't talk about it.
When I went in for the ten week check up with Maisie, there was no heartbeat again. The midwives had told me this happened half the time anyway but it was a hard déjà vu. I didn't get to hear her little heart until 14 weeks. I could have opted for an ultrasound and found out right away if the fetus was okay but we had to pay for all these kinds of things out of pocket and it wouldn't change anything to wait. If something was wrong we would know soon enough, just like before. And this time I felt like things were okay.
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